An Emotional Three...

As I sit here writing this post, I have tears welling up in my eyes. I look back on the past few months and it's been a roller coaster of emotion for my family and I. Then I realize it's been Three years today. Has it really been 3 years? Something that seemed like just yesterday, has also felt like a lifetime ago. 3 years ago today, I watched as a selfless mans' bone marrow was flowing into me, and every drop would mean a new chance at life, and in hopes my cure.

Since this day, so much "life" has happened. The good, the bad, the ugly. And I am forever indebted to Matthew (my donor) for each of those days lived. And I truly hope to thank him and give him the biggest hug some day.

The past two months have been especially hard on me knowing this day was coming. Since I finished my GED and had the whole New York experience, I had a new found confidence in me and I was finally feeling like I was moving forward a little bit. I never feel great, but I was pushing through the days. I had plans on attending Chandler Gilbert this Fall and everything was feeling like it was falling into place...which it hadn't felt like that for a while. I was going to get to do "normal" things with MY peers. I knew it wasn't going to be easy, but I was willing to try.
Flash forward to June, and my two inpatient stays at PCH. We were all a little shocked, but we got through it. After the second stay I didn't feel like I fully recovered. Weird things were happening, and I just attributed it to me not feeling well still.

Later that month, we had plans to go to Utah to see my sweet cousins and sweet aunt and uncle. My sister was going to spend the week playing volleyball at UVU. I was excited to get away.
About 24 hours in I convinced my mom and aunt we NEEDED to go to the puppy barn to play with the cute pups. I always thought they had larger dogs, so none of us were going in searching for a particular puppy...although "remember when dad said I could get another doxie after tansplant...lol" ya well of course, the day before they had a litter of mini dauchunds brought to the store and there's not much more to say than....well, I fell in love with one, and she came home with us that night. Well I guess my aunts house, lol. We were hoping our other doxie at home. Flo, who we love, love , love, would love Brooks just as much as we did.

That next day I woke up so so sick. We didn't know what was wrong, I was still recovering from c-diff from the prior PCH stay, so my mom made contact with the clinic and they got me another antibiotic and I just rested the whole day. That night, everything changed. I spiked a temp, and my whole head and neck went stiff and I couldn't walk. My mom and I knew something was very wrong. She called the docs at pch and they told her to immediately get to Primary Children's Hospital.

When we arrived I went into septic shock and my blood pressure plummeted. They took me straight to the ICU. My line in my chest had to come out because that was one of the sources of the infections. I was a mess. I was at a different hospital with people I didn't know, I couldn't comprehend why my body was doing this, I was fine just yesterday? I just couldn't understand it. And my dad was still in Arizona. After they realized I couldn't have my line anymore they put an iv anywhere they saw a vein and they all blew, the ones that did stay could only handle small amounts of medicine, so everything that went in me felt like my arms were on fire, and my wrists just felt broken. Through all this I had three seizures. The last seizure, I coded. I remember having a weird headache and going into the seizure, and then coming out of it and just seeing my mom being hugged by someone in the room. My dad and the kids were all on their way back to AZ when they got the call, and they turned around and came back.
This experience for me and I know for my family too has been very raw and real. I thought I was going to die that day.I wasn't ready to go, what would all this fighting have been for? To just give up? What would my family do? This whole experience has made us talk about some really hard things as a family, and I'm so grateful for their love and sacrifice.

Since we got back from Utah, I've been very emotional. And just very physically tired and not feeling well. Also shortly after we got back our sweet Flo got out and was hit. This has been very hard on me.  She was my little buddy and always knew what I needed. Brooks has definitely been a tender mercy in all of this though, she was there as a distraction for the kids in Utah, and now she's here for me, to ease the pain a little. She's so fun and lovable, I love getting to see her sweet personality come out each day.

It's been hard to realize all those plans and goals I made for my self will have to be put on hold. Three years out, this is not where I wanted my body to be. I wanted to be going to college like a normal 19yr old girl, going out on dates, staying up with friends. It's a tough pill to swallow, one of my tougher ones. I'll get there, just not all at once.

A little update on how I'm doing right now... Friday I had my Picc line taken out that they placed in Utah, and it was replaced with a double lumen broviac. So I'm still recovering from the pain from that. Thursday we had a care conference with a bunch of my doctors to discuss the ongoing plan, my counts are still low, and I'm still on TPN. Their goals are to help me get off of sterroids "very slowly" and try to help with the bad headaches and blurry vision. We're still working with GI for lots of stomach issues and pancreas issues, along with liver and kidney stuff!

Among all this there has been so much good. We have been blessed beyond belief and felt the love and prayers of so many. I have come to understand my savior a little better after going through this traumatic time in my life. He is there, and he knows what we are going through. The atonement has brought me so much peace through this journey and I know it's brought peace into my family's life to. I want to say thank you to those who have stood along my mom and dads side, along each of my siblings side. They are my world, and I know this has not been easy for any of them, so even if you sent them a text, Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

There is so much good amongst all the bad, it's up to us to choose it. I am so grateful for my heavenly Father and his plan for me.

I intended in posting more pictures, but they wouldn't upload. Most are posted on my facebook page or Instagram page linked here...
https://www.facebook.com/kincankickit/
https://www.instagram.com/